No Pain No Gain: Suffering in Faith

You and i have all heard the expression "no pain no gain" right? Have you ever sat down and considered if this was true? What did you gain when you went through pain? Did you learn perseverance, who you can and cannot depend on? What did you learn? Well recently in my New testament class, we discussed about a passage in James which discusses about suffering for "a season". Well as my professor nicely noted to us about what that season meant. The. rest. Of. Our. Lives. Until we die of course. Then we are free. Truthfully, I'm scared, in the uncertainty of dying. How will it happen, will i suffer, can I get a smile, or a few words out or even some time to go over memories before I go? These plague my head. But despite that I live in faith. I don't want to die, I don't wan tot suffer. No one does. But then now i look back and I consider what Christ, my Lord said: Then he said to them all:

"If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me. ²⁴For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me will save it. ²⁵What good is it for a man to gain the whole world, and yet lose or forfeit his very self?(Matthew 9:23-25)

Yep I decided to pick up my cross and follow Him, and Jesus even warned that there would be "wolves in sheep clothing", and that we'd be "lambs going to the slaughter", and that basically we'd suffer. Sounds great right? I mean at least people would come to us to listen. What's that? they stone us and throw us out of their temples into the street? Well I mean they must obviously see that what we say makes sense right? What they laugh at us? Huh great sounds fun. I am coming to terms with the fact i will suffer, and the meaning of Christ's words that he spoke. I will suffer. So now what? I'm scared. Okay. So what? Turn tail and run? I want to sure, I'm human but what happens? I said I would take up my cross, and follow him, and he'd even said that it wouldn't be easy so why should I be so surprised? I don't think I knew, or just underestimated and didn't take seriously what was said. But when I decided to shoulder my cross I was redya nd willing so much I made what one martyr had said a sort of prayer or dedication for myself to God:

"Lord I am your messenger. Throw me like a blazing torch into the night"-Mary Skobtsova

As I am writing this my heart is spoken to by Christ and I think of the previous words of Him I mentioned: "Take up your cross" I think of Christ speaking of the cross. I mean Jesus was telling us to take up our own cross and follow Him. The very tool of His death that was coming but its not only that. Many of us see the cross as a reminder of our Lord but the cross does not only represent death. Transformation, redeeming grace, and love, these are what the cross represent. <sup>Jesus knew this, that the cross would not always represent death but something else.

20</sup>I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me. Galatians 2:20

So I decided to take up my cross. Then I did not understand what I was doing as I prayed for Christ to take me, guide me as I take up my cross. To die to myself, to love Him more than I love even my family, or my friends. I don't do it for myself. No matter how much I think "Yes! Heaven is on its way! I won't suffer, I can praise God for eternity!", I always have the pull in my heart to go out and complete the job my Lord gave my Apostolic Fathers (though originally I desired to say Brothers to portray a more personal relationship with the Apostles and Disciples but I and my friend who I had seeked knowledge from were ignorant in it so as to keep respect I had defaulted to calling them my Fathers) oh so long ago:

¹⁶Then the eleven disciples went to Galilee, to the mountain where Jesus had told them to go. ¹⁷When they saw him, they worshiped him; but some doubted. ¹⁸Then Jesus came to them and said, "All authority in heaven and on earth has been given to me. ¹⁹Therefore go and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, ²⁰and teaching them to obey everything I have commanded you. And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age."- Matthew 28:16-20

So what? I suppose I will suffer in my life but even now my heart is grieved that i focus so much on this suffering instead of what I'm supposed to be doing! I suppose I'll understand more as I grow older, as God guides me more, and as I submit more to Christ's will in my life. So as I sit here I noticed this took a complete turn from where it was going and I don't remember where I was going but i think it was a good turn from talking about suffering to talking about doing what is required of me. I do and I do it with a smile and an excitement in my heart. I recommend a book that was given to me by a friend's mother for Christmas, the name of the book being JESUS FREAKS: REVOLUTIONARIES. It is a book containing the stories of martyrs and how even in suffering their faith was not deterred, their affect, and I suppose for a lack of a better word (unless someone may please provide me with one) the lesson or moral learned through the experiences. I have not finished the book but have gone through a rapid succession of pages when I first received it. It though, in fact the sequel to another book entitled MARTYRS. The copy I own of Revolutionaries is a really good book and I do recommend it though it may or may not be your cup of tea. In this writing I want to make something clear. I don't, and do not want to do these things for myself but for God's glory. I don't want to say "Lord give me strength to let me do this" but rather "Lord give me strength so I can do this for you!" I want to rid the selfish feeling for myself and live in the selfless feelings for Christ, I want to die to myself. Not so much becoming spiritually mature but submitting to God's will (this is how my professor of New Testament had put it). Hm. So i suppose the answers are in God, so submitting more gave answers (though simply finding answers should not be the motivation for this but more that we desire it for God's will to be done). So what? We suffer. If I did not suffer would I have known any of this today that I have written? Should I complain as there are those currently suffering, or have died while suffering in agony? I've learned from my suffering. How often do we learn from the good things? Besides if there is anything I can say its this: most of my suffering, guess what? It was my fault! Sure some of it was out of my hands and that I wanted to blame God but that right there shows me that I can't always fix things and that I want to do it my self. But its God's will not my own. So suffering has its benefits and even though we may never accept suffering, and maybe not even fully, God has his purpose, his reasons. So I need to put my faith in God and continue on.

Love is patient, kind, God-Wait what?

A random thought popped into my head during church last week. A friend of mine sitting next to me, had his Bible open to 1 Corinthians 13, the ever so favorite love verses highlighted. How often have we sat and pondered upon this chapter? Sat and wondered what the love we have, could have or will have for a person will be like? I know many times i have. How much of a wonderful feeling it must be! To love someone and for them to love you back! but then a thought came to me. Just a random little flutter that creeped into my brain. What if all this time, the talk of how love is in the chapter hasn't been about loving a wife, a husband, a family member or a brother/sister in the Lord? What if it were none of these but what if the love was for God? What if we have been so self involved thinking of what it means to love someone else and them loving us that we missed it? What if that's the answer? Currently I am reading a book on love, and dating and each time I read it I expect an answer to knowing what love is, how you fall in love, etc. But no each and every time the author has it come down to the same thing: Submit to God's will and love him. Its never about you finding love its about God showing it to you on HIS time. To be honest i have no idea what point I am trying to make here, none at all. Interpret as you will. Could be looking at how you are with God, how much you have submitted to God, or even reading those verses again and thinking on it yourself. I mean you could even say that you should love all of those listed above, of course, but first and foremost God and I think we completely overlook God when we think of Love. We say we love God in worship, chapel, church, when we are being faced with a midterm we didn't study for, etc. But have you ever just prayed or stopped and say "i love you Lord?" or to think of His love for you? To be honest I don't enough. So interpret as you may and I believe you know where to find me in the need of stoning or burning me at the stake. Thank you.

The hatred of God

Because there is one thing that God truly does hate: sin. That stain and horrible blemish that taints us and separated us from God. Some may say "well God doesn't hate anything, how could he if he is good?" One it is a righteous, anger, one that is justified because sin is wrong and do we as people not hate the wrong? I once thought about it. If God's love is unfathomable, and is such an amazing thing then how unfathomable and scary is his hatred for sin?So much that he has flooded the earth and wiped cities out of existence (Sodom and Gomorrah). I couldn't imagine the hatred he feels because of our sin but I also cannot fathom the pain and agony we cause because of our sin. So much that His son died for us and bore our sins for us. I'm not saying to go abd justs top sinning and to never sin again, since we'll never be able to not sin, its in our nature. No, I'm not saying that but to help us with our sin, to just rememberwhen we're going to sin, the hatred, and pain it causes God. To think before we sin one thing: Honor God.

Worshipping with more than music

At my school we have chapel every day of the week, three in our gym and two in another area of the school and many other mini chapels that occur through the week. We go, we sing praises, we hear the word and leave. Then what? Is that it? Are we done with our praise and worship? I think so. Many people walk out without a second thought about continuing their worship for God outside of where we come to worship. WHen I walk outside am I still thinking of the worship? Yes I am probably but then the things in our life take over. When I'm eating do I still remember when I worshiped? Probably though its faded now and later when in class will I? Probably not. Worship needs to continue outside of where we would usually come to worship andnot only worshipping with out lips but with our actions.With our being. Like Christ said when he was asked what the greatest commandment was in the law: " 'Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind." (Matthew 22:37) Okay so how often have we been loving our God with our, pretty much entire being and existence. To me, persoanlly, not very much. At least for me, in my case. I talk a big game saying that God is changing me but you have to submit to him and give yourself for it to work since it isn't our will that is done. i know its never any fun to not get what we want but a great philosopher once said "you can't always get what you want but if you try sometimes you might find you get what you need." I think there's a little bit of truth in there. So go, worship, make disciples of the nations and most of all love Christ.

Love. Thy. Enemy.

Let me set it up for you. So there I was, standing in a pew at church and holding a cup filled with grape juice in my hand. I'm staring at it unsure of whether or not I should do what I need to do. Suddenly God speaks to my heart. "Let go" he says. Let go? Really? I don't think so. "Let go", he repeats. No I say again. I shouldn't have to. All my life I've always been forced to let go of my anger, when other people get to hold onto theirs. I deserve to have some don't I? God speaks to my heart again. "You want to take communion right? Then let it go." I fight. I make my case. I give in to God, because in the end he's right. I take the bread, I take the cup. I stand and I think about the people who have hurt me most. I feel my anger, my hatred, the pain they caused me to melt away. In the end its gone. The weight on my heart, the sick feeling, the shadow, its all gone. I think and I know what the right thing to do is. A sort of confrontation and tell them, apologize for my hatred, for my anger towards them and make peace...

That was the beginning of a series of events of the past week. During this past week and even some before this week the Lord spoke to my heart about the hatred, the anger I held and told me to get rid of it. I refused until faced with the remembrance of my saviors sacrifice. I thought it unfair, but is it? I've had to read the Gospels recently for my New Testament class and one of the things that stuck out to me is when says "Love your enemies". Love my enemies? What? Sure I can say it, I've prayed for my enemies but can I put it into practice? Can I love them? of course not. Its impossible right? Well apparently it is. At least with God. It seems a lot of the lessons in my NT class and chapel anymore have been focused on compassion. God was yet again talking to me. You know the nudging of the shoulder, telling me to listen. So I did and let me tell you I did not like it. Who wants to forgive their enemies? I certainly don't, especially two people like them. But I knew the hatred and anger was something I didn't want but I held onto it for dear life for some reason. I cannot begin to tell you though how it feels to be freed from it. My heart felt lighter after that moment, when I gave it all to God and I said "Take it from me" and I took communion. I know I still need to talk to these people and it'll be hard but it is what I have to do. So I guess what I'm saying here is this: Let it go. Because there is a even more wonderful feeling than the hate and anger waiting. Give it to God. He'll give you rest. I'm not saying it'll be something that happens overnight of course. God had a plan and he'd been working in my heart. It won't be instant. But let God work on you and in your life.

Why and Where: Faith and Fear

And it happened as if a voice spoke to him. “Why are you sleeping? Could you not stay awake with me for a bit longer?” His realization dawned and he awoke. This here is how I describe how I met something, which is powerful and directly from God’s lips himself! It was when Jesus and his disciples were on the boat at sea and the storm came upon them. One of them ran down and found Jesus sleeping and asked him “do you not care if we drown?” To which Jesus’ almost rebuttal was going to the storm and rebuking it when he said “Quiet! Be still!” and instantly it was calm. Jesus then turned and asked them “Why are you afraid? Where is your faith?” WHY ARE YOU AFRAID? WHERE IS YOUR FAITH? When I heard this I think of when I’ve gone to God and asked him why something was happening in my family or in my life. I remember one time when everything, in a week’s time that could go wrong did. So I asked him why. His rebuttal: It is my will. Then when something I was completely not prepared for came I asked him why again (you’d think I’d stop asking and getting my butt handed to me but no). So he responded with something else. “It is my will, you know that and now I will have you believe it.” Everything got better. I let God take the reigns. The message to me: I cannot manipulate, control or make every situation work out for me and I have no control. For it is not my will but God’s and I also learned my fear is that I do not know God’s plan so I must go, walk in faith unprepared for what will come but when it comes I will react to the situation.

A special thank you to =phatpuppy for allowing me to use the picture shown above from her wonderful gallery here: http://phatpuppy.deviantart.com/art/Calm-the-Storm-126751117

Why I'm here...

This question "Why am I here?" was asked today in chapel at my university. And almost instantly I came up with an answer: To get where I'm going. Then I thought more about it on a theological level and came up with this answer: To get where God is directing me. Wherever he is directing me he'll lead me there. My brother asked me what I would be doing with 4 years of school since Pastors make little money. I simply said but I'm not here to make money. I'm here to do what God wants me to do. I got people I need to save. To which he replied "So God will provide for you huh?" I said yes. It'll be hard sure, maybe, probably, I don't know. But God is there. So I'll figure it out as God leads me along. I know where he is taking me to continue my education (its out of state so its scary) and I didn't before until he revealed it and there you go. So what are you doing? Why are you where you are in your life?

Breaking Walls (original post)

One Night I Dreamed A Dream...

In the middle of my senior year I was having trouble with my grades. I knew that if I didn't get on the ball i wouldn't graduate but I just didn't feel motivated. Well one night I had a dream. I dreamt I walked out onto a balcony overlooking a playground where there were children playing across the great expansive playground. Suddenly, at my side, appeared my Apologetics teacher. He pointed his hand toward one part of the sky and said, "Robert, this is what will happen if you continue to mess around with your friends." Suddenly it was like I was being pulled nto the sky and I went forward only to be stopped by an invisible wall. Then I went forward again, and again. Only to be stopped at the next wall. My teacher then pointed to another part of the sky the opposite way. "This is what will happen if you buckle downa nd do your work while still having your friends." I went forward again and was met with wall after wall overcoming them before coming to a wall that I didn't pass over. Then i found myself, yet again on the balcony overlooking the playground. My teacher walked away and I followed him but not before grabbing a card off of a stack on a table. On this cad was the Biola flower, the insignia of the school I attend.

I tell this story because of the recent and current events in my life. I think I may have encountered the wall I couldn't pass. My father is in the hospital, he had a heart attack. I don't know what to do. For osme reason I feel so lost and scared, something I've never felt before. Usually i trust in God and just let him handle things but...I'm scared I'm goign to lose my Dad. I really am. I suppose the thought of his morality on this plaane never crossed my mind. I don't want to lose him. I feel horrible inside. The weight of my emotions and yet I feel as if I can't talk to anyone. I hate it.

Breaking Walls: Overcoming Trials in God's Will

In truth I had originally meant the title of this chapter to be the title of the book until sitting in church one wednesday I came up with other chapter titles. So here goes nothing...

"Breaking Walls". Its what I call overcoming the trials God sends me when showing/teaching me a lesson. I gave it that name after the invisible walls i encountered in my dream (or vision I should say) with a former teacher of mine, Mr. Trevino. I also see it as me overcoming them or "climbing" and "conquering" these walls. I look back at what God has sent me and what I have learned from them. Recently a man called and tried to get me to come to his university (it was an online school actually). As I was attending Biola I declined, though he was very persistent. I honestly wonder if God was trying to show me to go somewhere else. So I pulled a Jonah and said no and waited for Him to send a big fish after me. But none came. Was this some lesson in being assertive and him revealing something to me? Revealing I'm no super disciple and I'm human like everyone else. I could and do sin like everyone else. Anther thing that came up is my good friend Bryant. Bryant and I have good friend for about four years now. We became especially closer since we discovered our spiritual gifts (if you believe in those) compliment each other (mine being knowledge his being wisdom). Now here's the problem: he is a pot head. Now he claims that smoking Pot helps calm hi smind. Now see I would not have any problem with it except he brings it to my house. My house is only blocks from the police station. So that means added police activity. Well i don't want trouble and I certainly don't want him to be in trouble so I tell him to leave it at home. Well he makes the case that he knows cops and their ways so he's never been caught and has always avoided them. He asks if I trust him. I say yes. I mention it again to him and he says that i don't trust him. i trust him. it's God I don't trust. I don't need to do something that will cause God to make me learn a lesson. Better to be safe than sorry. Now I know this sounds bad that i don't trust God but let me explain. Bryant I can tell his plan because he tells me it. God, doesn't tell me because his plan, His will, is absolute and the Creator doesn't need to tell the creation anythng except that "all things work out for good with God." I know this to be true. I know I should have more faith and trust in God but I was scatrd and afraid. Another issue is my friend Shelly Now see we're a close bunch and when we get together we have fun. But an issue came up last time we had fun. Drinking. None of us are 21 yet. Now usually i wouldn't have a problem except it seems I'm always offered even though I tell them no because I'm not 21 yet and I've never drank before. Plus I find the smell of beer repulsing. Well since I'm uncomfortable with it I decide not to go to a party where no adults will be there. The last issue is something I have trouble with even now. It seems i can't talk to God. I feel blocked off. I don't know it feels as though my heart is avoiding Him for some reason and so is my mind. I don't know why. There's something I am wandering away from. I feel it may have something to do with my now deceased geandmother (God rest her soul). I was cut off from during the time she was sick. And...I just don't know. i feel hopeless. What will I do?

An Explanation...

A lot of time I joke about writing a book on my life. Well I've decided to write a few chapters of that book here. Nothing big really. Just explaining some struggles and things in my life and explanations about them. So Keep watch a take a look you may enjoy them.